I was born an Earthling.
Just like all the other smooth-skinned, one-tone beings on the planet.
But, before long, I started to see grotesquely spotted aliens on the starboard bow – on every bow, as a matter of fact.
Humanoids – but not as we know ‘em, Capt’n.
They were the stuff of sci-fi nightmares.
They terrified me…
… until I realised they were my reflection…
… at which point I was more terrified than before.
I was being pursued…
… by a Terminator- intent on destroying my future self.
It was Invasion of the Body Snatchers, with a twist.
My body, being stolen from me, patch by patch, until I was a fully paid-up inhabitant of planet Vitiligo.
My recognisable life-form, disintegrating before my eyes.
Shattering into an infinite number of colours.
Sucked relentlessly through hypo- pigmented space into a black hole of ever-expanding, blinding whiteness.
I had become other - one of them.
Turned to the Dark Side – or, should I say, the White Side.
Like all self-respecting Body Snatchees, I hid my monstrous self behind a benign disguise.
I became an intrepid cosmeto-naut, covering my alien skin and prepared to wait it out for the duration.
Resistance is useless.
After all, in space no one can hear you scream.
A lifetime spent in Dr Who’s waiting room…
… bigger on the inside than on the outside
(owing to the massive number of double-blind tested drugs stuffed into it by the Galactic Funded Research Empire).
Then, Infinite Improbability presented me with the answer to life, the universe and everything .
It was not forty-two. It was, in fact, the Blue Planet Cure…
… the health-giving goodness of the leafy green earth and the healing rays of our sun.
No longer lost in space,
I had entered a transporter room where abnormal matter is converted into a cloud of shimmering pigment particles and beamed back home to smooth-skinned, one-tone humanity,
amid tele-transports of delight.
… for beaming me up!
My name is Caroline.